ReParenting YouyrselfArticle #2

ReParenting Children
Art Martin Ph.D. (article #2 in a series on ReParenting)

ReParenting is not just about learning how to be functional adults and parents and pass on a healthy world view; it is about learning how to ReParent ourselves delete and unload the programs that we have accepted from our parents so we can parent our children properly. It is next to impossible be a good parents and set up an effective model unless we can find ourselves and enter recovery so we can let go of the past mistakes our parents made in our childhood. It is about how to love ourselves so we can in turn give unconditional love to our children.
Do you have the eight qualities of unconditional love installed in your mind? You may think you have it, yet I have discovered in my research less than 10% of the population of the industrialized nations know or have an understanding what the eight qualities of unconditional love are. If your children went through the terrible twos you do not have the eight qualities installed in your minds operating files. Your children were asking for unconditional love and recognition. They assume you had these qualities since they were born with them. So they were acting out to get your attention. Did this irritate you? If it did you did not know what they were demanding. You must ReParent yourself to install the eight qualities of unconditional love in your minds operating system. In doing this we will rewrite the corrupted dysfunctional parenting model so we can stop the vicious circle of handing this malfunctioning parenting model to our children from generation to generation.
I discovered that coming from a dysfunctional family myself our past experience was imprinted in our data base we will repeat our parents behavior. Before we can have successful relationships and become successful parents we must unload our garbage that is setting us up to perpetuate our parents' parenting model with all it's dysfunctional behavior patterns. What I discovered was we cannot be acceptable parents who set a good example for our children until we learn how to ReParent ourselves and grow up ourselves. Unconditional love must be installed in our core being. It is like we must go through the internship process of growing up again. Adult-children can not provide a good parental model or raise children. So parenting is not just about having children. It's knowing that you are authentic, doing the right behaviour your children will trust, respect and accept. To do this we have to understand what being a whole person is. If you can not talk the talk and walk the talk and you do not know what to say in a positive manner to your children how can you be a parent. If you have a corrupted operating system in your computer you can not create functional relationships nor can you become as an acceptable parent. Our dysfunctional behaviour will always bleed through even if we know our parents behaviour patterns are affecting us and we try to stop them. It happened to me many times. We were able to stop the pattern because we recognized it every time it snuck up on us.
This is not our children's problem because they were born with the knowledge of unconditional love just as you were. They had the concept down when they were born and they were trying to get you to provide it for them. Unfortunately it was programmed out of you by the time you were four years old. Now you are doing the same dysfunctional parental behaviour model your parents imprinted on you. Since you were not shown what the eight qualities of love were........ You may have already destroyed their self esteem, self worth, and self confidence by the time they were four. As a result they act out and you get irritated by their behaviour so you pass the faulty dysfunctional parenting model on to them and destroy their concept of love by the time they are four years of age just like your parents did to you They assume that any concentrated form of attention is interpreted as love. Most children and adults I have worked with feel love is indifference because that is the way their parents treated them. It is not what we think we do it is our children's perception of how they feel they were treated that will be their understanding of what love is to them. They are very intuitive and see right through false behaviour. You can not act like you are giving them love and affection if you do not know what it is no matter how hard you try. If you feel them pushing you away or rejecting your attention you are not being authentic and they are reacting based on what they perceive. Their perception is an accurate evaluation to them even though you may feel your are treating them with love and acceptance. If you get frustrated and act out and get angry, it just validates their feelings of not being all right. You are destroying their self esteem, self worth and self confidence and you do not even know you are doing it.
My presentation in this book is about healing your relationship with your parents and yourself. It may not please some people who choose live in their illusion and their beliefs thinking they have an effective relationships with their parents, their partners and are effective parents who have supportive relationships with their children. Most people do not want to believe that all the causes of our problems and conflicts started in the first four years of our life. They do not see any reason to revist their childhood to release the trauma because it is blocked out. Parents can not remember traumatic incidents in their childhood.
I did not want to blame my mother for all my conflicts, even though she did cause them, She did the best she could. We can not live in the past or blame others for our problems and conflicts. Even though we could not control the situations in the first ten years of our life we can not blame anyone for the outcome. We have to unwind our resentment, take control, responsibility and release all the stuffed anger, fear, and traumatic feelings from the past. We can not live in the past or blame the past. Our parents made mistakes which we have to forgive them for and make sure we do not pass down their dysfunctional parenting model and patterns.
To break this vicious cycle that is recreating this dysfunctional model your children must know they can trust and respect you and you will in return respect them. When you can provide the eight qualities of unconditional .love to them and you have taken responsibility to forgive your parents for using this dysfunctional parenting model and the all the problems created by it. Make control, authority, manipulation and forced compliance come to an end with you. You will have made a major contribution to society and the world. Each one of us who can do this will eventually create a ground swell in raising functional, ethical, honest children who will not act out the behaviour we are experiencing in politics and corporate business now.
I view this process of transformation from all angles. I have no developed opinions on what is right beyond what I present in this book. I look at all sides of the question. I do not let religion, cultural traditions or psychological research influence my theory or concepts. What I have presented here is based on my experience with clients and in my lectures and seminars over the last thirty years. I will look at anything a person brings to me to evaluate. There are some concepts in this book which may not be in line with the beliefs of some people. Every process or program is documented. A personal belief may cause you to discount my theory. But never the less just because you do not agree me does not invalidate my theory or process.
I will investigate and evaluate any theory or program that is presented to me. If it works over time I will include the process in my system. In other words "show me a good mouse trap that works and I will try it." My work with children has proven we can change their behavior in a very short time because they do not have the locked in garbage built up in their data base. The less you have to deal with the quicker we can release it. Children are very open to release conflicts in their life. You just have find the cause of the dysfunctional behaviour. The scientific theory presented by the psychological researchers and writers does not work. They have evaluated and evaluated yet have they succeeded? Tough Love does not work it just creates more rejection, fear, and lack of trust. Intervention and discipline without unconditional love does not work either. You can not push a child or teenager into proper behaviour by trying to get them to understand what they are doing. You do not stop disregulation by discipline either. When a child is acting out or shutting down they are doing it to get attention. The key ingredient is the eight qualities of unconditional love. It makes no difference who is dealing with the child. It could be a parent, teacher, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or a doctor, they must be authentic and transparent with the ability to show and provide the eight qualities of unconditional love. If they can not demonstrate this the child or teenager will shut down and will not listen. You can talk and explain all day, if a child or teenager does not trust you they may listen but does it change their behavior?
Summary
This article details how to revisit your childhood and ReParent yourself to correct the issues that caused us to accept our parents behaviour. Many of the behaviour patterns created seeds of discontent which may hatch later in our adulthood. When you ReParent yourself it will help you avoid treating children in ways that cause the emotional problems that we had to endure as adults. If you are one of the nine out ten adults who did not have the childhood you would have wished for, you can clear the issues with your parents and forgive them because they did not know what they were doing. They were simply following the routine that their parents in turn had taught them. They did not know what the eight qualities of unconditional love are or how be an effective model for their children. You do not have to create another dysfunctional family if you follow the basic directions I am providing so you can recover your lost self, understand what unconditional love is and become who you really are. Your children will be happy and succeed in life when you have a successful loving relationship with them.
Begin your transformation now; miracles do happen! You can get more information about ReParenting at Dr. Martin's website www.ReParentingyourself.com email him at mailforat@gmail.com